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Darker period

At the moment it feels like I’m going through a rougher period in my life. It’s a total mayhem in my head some days and everything seems to be spinning out of control, yet I also feel stuck, a really weird sensation all in all. Lately I’ve been mapping out my mood into some kind of statistics, so that I can visually see my mood swings, the ups and downs. One thing I’m really struggling with is actually pursuing my dreams. I keep making up ideas and plans, just to procrastinate and bury them deep inside me. I’ve tried various of techniques to keep my ideas visible for me at all times, so I’d actually do them, but the struggle is real and it’s with me every minute of my life.

It feels like there’s this huge wall between me and the thing I want in life, and if I just glance at the wall – it suddenly rises by several meters. So I just don’t look at it at all. The dreams seems to be so big and unreachable. I tend to bury myself with other work, not involving photography. It works for a while until I get a heavy chest and start panicking over my life situation, still living the same life – working really hard (not creatively) earn a bunch of cash, digging a deeper whole for myself, everyday.

One thing I thought could help me is actually find more things to do, than just photography. So I thought I’d try out more mediums than just photography. At my lectures and also when I generally give out advice to people – write, paint, sing or make photos. It doesn’t really matter, as long as you’re producing and getting the words or ideas out of your head! So maybe instead of just choosing one medium, thinking it’s the only thing I’m good at, I’ll try various of mediums for my inner thoughts and heartaches.

In the summer of 2017 I hit rock bottom again, so I did something different. I recorded a mute video of myself just getting everything of my chest. I must say that it felt really good, just letting go of all the emotions that had built up inside me and I’m glad that I’ve uploaded it here on my webpage. I don’t think it’s a shame that it took me six months to upload the video, it feels more like a process that was necessary. I guess I wasn’t ready to process the material in a quick pace, since it’s raw emotions all the way throughout the video.

Another medium I’m trying out at the moment is sound.

I try to record all kinds of sound, it can be places that I’d like to remember or sounds that affects me in a positive way. Then I can listen to that sound whenever I need to cheer myself up or if I need to remember the place I was at, by how it sounded. I might make a project of these recordings, but I’m unsure about how to “display” the sound, maybe I could build a separate section here on my webpage.

Regards,
Martin