Extreme pressure

To put it mildly – life’s a bit extreme at the moment, well honestly, the last couple of months have been extreme.. but it seems like I’m gazing at the summit right now, at least I sincerely hope so. I’ve never had to experience this amount of pressure before, especially on so many new levels – every time, it’s like a nuclear bomb going off, leaving tons of radioactive fallout. Even tho I try to keep my hazardous suit on, I cant stop being impacted, and it sure is taking it’s toll now. Since the beginning of last year, my dad started acting a bit weird, didn’t think much of it, mostly I was annoyed due to Pandora’s box being opened months prior to events leading up, to where I stand today. I’ve questioned so many things that he’s done in his life, to the degree of where I ask myself – who was he really? What did he achieve in life? As his health declined during summer, me and my mum has had the greatest roller coaster of our lives.

My mum had to take care of dad 24/7 for quite some time, it was hard, mum called me a lot during this time, needing help with lifting him, trying to make him take his meds, the list could go on forever. We had a tiny break in late in the fall, we decided to get help from a nursing home, to have my dad there every third week so that we could get some rest. He spoke less and less, as time went by – becoming mostly silent. At the same time, another nuclear bomb went off.. one of our tenants in an shared apartment that my mum and dad rents out – was creating havoc, using drugs and partying in the middle of the night, disturbing neighbours with frequent police visits. The tenant stopped paying rent, which lead us further on a winding road of lawyering up, bleeding money in every regards. Turns out that we have a perfect system for dealing with issues like this = praying that the tenant would take our deal of not having to pay rent for five months and leave the apartment ASAP. This did indeed work, leaving us with an apartment in very bad shape, couple of thousands of euros in loss. Seeing everything in daylight, we became painfully aware that we had to renovate the whole apartment.

Also during this time, dads health had continue to decline, finally getting a clear answer to why he was behaving so strange in the last few months. He was very demented, probably had a stroke at some point – the doctors couldn’t tell when that could have happened. The story ended that we had to put him full time in the nursing home, where the next nuclear bomb hit us.. the true cost of nursing home services. I had a slight breakdown, I honestly didn’t wanna tell mum about it, since she’d loose 42,5% of the shared income between them two, for having dad at the nursing care home, seriously crippling the economic situation of balancing debts and other matters to be dealth with.

Now would be the time to have a break, right? Boom – another nuclear bomb went off, surprised? Didn’t think so. My parents house, where I was raised – isn’t the smallest house. When moving into the house in the early 90’s – just after it was built, one had to compromise on some levels, as in one complete floor of the house was never finished. We always lived on the top floor of the house, turns out – you can’t leave a house as an construction site (yet my dad thought it was possible). However, the authorities were very nice to us, explaining the situation and that they could grant us another two years to finish the house.. might be a bit hard to do with the loss of income on so many levels, my gut started to hurt.

Me and mum were juggling everything from getting the economy somewhat stable, renovating the apartment by ourselves, doing tons of paperwork in order to have dad on permanent care at the nursing come, dealing with tax deductions, worrying about debts, trying to figure out about what to do with the house, there’s probably many other things that I simply cant remember when typing this right now.

But, on the 15th of May at roughly 12:15 – dad took his last breath.
It all just happened so fast, I barely made it there in time before he passed away.

Where in gods name is that break we so desperately need? Everything’s collapsing at the same time, suddenly our pile of.. I don’t know what to call it.. became so much greater, how’s this even possible? Now arranging with funeral arrangements – turns out, there’s also a shit ton of paper work to deal with when one dies, death is more bureaucratic than I could ever have imagined.

These are strange times we live in, I can honestly say that my mind has mostly been occupied with other things than the pandemic. We’re fighting our own pandemic within our family, trying to breathe with oxygen – gasping for air. I am trying my best to be supportive, but it’s so hard right now. I am glad that I do have a good support network with friends, but I cant help but feeling very inadequate right now. I know how much I can perform when I’m in a good state of mind – but this stuff is seriously getting into my head, cant perform as I used to at work, loosing track of things, constantly being exhausted. I’ve never been pushed to such extreme measures like this before, I’m slightly worried that I might have a bit of a mental breakdown, this is just honestly way too much to handle.

I just hope that when all of this is over, that we are allowed to relax a bit – even if it’s just for a few months until the next nuclear bomb hits us. Sadly, this is the only way to think right now.. waiting for that next bomb to go off without any notice.