Losing track of who you are

It’s now been over a year of never-ending life complications, the glimpses of happiness have become something that you gasp for – shortness of breath, not knowing when you’ll reach the surface the next time. I can’t help but feeling like I’m loosing track of who I am. There is a big plan in sight, an end goal, a destination worth pursuing – but, getting there, in the state that I am in right now.. it makes me second guess life, as the one I’m living right now. I want to remain on the same course as of now, but the foundation that I’m standing on is no longer stable and has not been so for several months.

This foundation is very crucial, it’s needed in order to move forward in life, at least for me. There’s a sense of security, a place to show up to, colleagues.. Sadly, the advantages of this foundation is currently becoming slimmer by each day. It’s like a black whole, draining energy and not giving as much as it did back in the days. It’s just the utter disappointment, the lack of seeing eye to eye, the creative freedom and joyfulness of exploring without fear, all of which are just missing.. Sometimes pursuing the “money train” can have a negative impact on the life cycle itself. Money can give quick satisfaction when needed, but should never be a goal to reach, in my opinion – if that becomes the main criteria / goal, then each day will turn out greyer and greyer. In the end, there will be losses greater than money can buy.. that’s when the train has smashed into the wall, shattered into a million pieces.

Things could be different, but they aren’t. For everyday that passes now, there’s a new border to pass.. compromising and trespassing my beliefs on how to be as a person. Perhaps it would be best to step down? While still being in one piece.. keeping my integrity and what I find important in life.

I want to get back in touch with who I am, my beliefs.. things that thrives me – engaging my heart, so I can feel more in line with myself, creating a new strong foundation to stand on. We all have individual journeys to live while we’re alive, and that’s just it.. let’s not waste the potential of living! I am here, alive.. staring down the barrel right now, I know that my eyes will shut one day too.. but until then, I need to live a life worth living.